Water for Elephants was an okay book. Cleanly written. Digests easily. A good book for a plane, here you need something for 4 hours to take your brain away. It was solid, but not very interesting. In part because the characters weren’t very… spicy.
Warning: Lots of pictures. Tons.
Characters:
Jacob= Jimmie Stewart + Harry Potter. In college to become a vet, disaster brings him to the circus.
August= Christian Bale + Handlebar Mustache. Attractive, abusive, crazy.
Marlene: Jessica Alba. Pretty, rich, weak idiot.
Plot---
Jacob: I shall care for nothing.
Circus clowns: It's the circus, you ninny.
Jacob: I shall care for animals.
August: I am charming and highly competent. This boy seems like an excellent lackey. Come, lackey! I will enjoy breaking you! Would you like to wear my suit? It can be a metaphor!
Jacob: I don't... understand... I thought... but you're my boss.
Clowns: Oi, watch the show.
----A circus ensues, followed by circus, cooch, hooch and poverty----
Jacob: Gosh, that Marlene is pretty.
August: My wife is indeed attractive. _pause_ If you smile at her, I will fuck you with a hook and feed you to the clowns.
Jacob: Ah, it is time to run away now. Where were the hookers?
August: My hook is right here, boy. Whenever you want it.
--- There is mad drama because Jacob likes Marlene ---
Marlene: Jacob, don't get upset when August beats me. He can't help it.
Jacob: Angry.
August: I am bigger than you in all ways.
Jacob: You are a bad man.
August: You cannot control your manhood.
Jacob: You’re insane.
Marlene: I am going to cry!
August: I had carnal relations with your mother last night.
Jacob: My mother has been dead for months.
--- Cut scene: fight ---
Ringleader: I make poor business decisions. La la! Elephants for everyone! La la la! I love Rosie!
Poor people: I’m quite hungry.
Ringleader: But don’t you like the elephant, hobos? Don’t you identify with Rosie’s downtrodden, abused, denigrated form, wrestled from an exotic land across the sea? Doesn’t she make you feel majestic and large?
Readers: I think it might be a metaphor for the swollen American dream…
Poor people: No, not really.
Rosie, the elephant: Czesc.
Jacob: She speaks Polish, guys.
August: Listen to me, Rosie, or I will pretend you are like all women and start hitting you until you do what I want.
Rosie: Dude, that was not Polish.
August: This has angered me. It’s punishment time.
Rosie: I am going to cry enormous elephant tears. Skurwysyn.
Readers: This is so poignant!
---Marlene and Jacob make out and feel guilty.---
Marlene: Running away with an older man and joining the circus was an unexpectedly bad idea!
Jacob: Marlene, you're so pretty when you go into hysterics. Your mouth makes an oh shape.
---Circus occurs, followed by historically accurate portrayals of the national malaise.---
August: Guys, I'm not angry anymore. Remember, Marlene? Me? Lovely husband? I bought you a shiny thing! Let’s dance!
Marlene: I knew you were still wonderful and charming! Lovey!
Jacob: But… too good… to be true…
August: You’re like a son to me, kiddo.
Marlene: Let’s have a dance party and eat oysters while the people outside starve to death on poisoned moonshine!
August: We can all dance together! Yay!
Jacob: Um… Okay.
Marlene: Hurray! I will hug Jacob in a platonic manner.
August: …I lied. I am still angry. More than before.
Marlene: ... Please don't hit me with the elephant whip.
Jacob: Also, please don't hit the elephant with the whip. FYI.
---Drama. There is more.--
A Taste of Water
"I look up just as he flicks the cigarette. It arcs through the air and lands in Rosie's open mouth, sizzling as it hits her tongue. She roars, panicked, throwing her head and fishing inside her mouth with her trunk. August marches off. I turn back to Rosie. She stares at me, a look of unspeakable sadness on her face. Her amber eyes are filled with tears."
August is not just beating his hot wife, but he's also abusive to non-native animals. An utter cad.
CAD:
And now you know what I think.
